How It Feels to Be Alone and not believe
by ArtImitatesSex
Summary: A Tragedy strikes and ends with a bittersweet reunion. RR.
1. Default Chapter

How it feels to be alone  
And not believe  
  
Brian Kinney walked into the Novotny house with a solemn look on his face. He threw his coat onto the back of the chair in the tidy living room. His aging face was adorned in laugh lines. But he wasn't laughing. The living room was full of people. Debbie was the first person to greet him. She just smiled and gave him a hug. Michael soon walked over, saying something but Brian couldn't hear him. It just didn't register in his mind. Soon, he snapped back into reality. Brian realized that he had to be there for Michael the most. He looked at his best friend, gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Brian's senses began to come back to him, he heard Michael sigh and noticed more and more people reassuring him.  
"I'm sorry, Mikey." Brian said. He noticed the food and he noticed the people's fake smiles on their faces. Today was not a happy day. Ben died a week ago from HIV. Today had been his funeral. Brian stood in the middle of the living room, still stunned. Lindsey had tried to get him to have some food, but he wasn't hungry. He tried to smile at Emmett, who of course was trying to make people smile and be happy. That was Emmett's job. And that's when he walked in.  
  
Justin. 


	2. Be A Man, Be Strong

Brian couldn't even take the sight of him. He hadn't seen him in a few years. He moved away after high school with an Art Scholarship to New York. That was five years ago. Now Justin was twenty-three years old and Brian was pushing thirty-four years. Even now that doesn't matter to Brian. He still wants him as much as he ever did. Justin sees Brian first and flashes a bright smile at him. Brian can only stare back. Brian breaks away from Justin's stare and heads off to the kitchen. Before Justin can get a chance to say anything to him. Justin says his polite 'hellos' to everyone. As Brian walks away, he hears Emmett squeal when he sees Justin. Complete Emmett style.  
Brian gets a glass of water and heads into the backyard. He sits by the swinging bench by a large tree in the Novotny yard. He sips his water and sets it on the grass. He thinks about all the good times that he had with Justin. Those were amazing times, he knew. Though, none of those things could happen again. The magic had been lost. Even if Justin happened to be single, it just couldn't happen. Just then, Justin walked out of the house and onto the back porch.  
He lights a cigarette and stood alone for some time. Scanning the backyard. He spotted Brian on the bench. He flashes back to the day before he left for New York. They sat on that very bench five years ago. There were tears, lots of them. From both Brian and Justin. Brian was beginning to give into his feelings of love, when Justin told him that he was leaving for New York and he didn't know when he was coming back. Brian had always been the one to blow off Justin; Justin decided that he was through running away from Brian with tears in his eyes. Brian had stared at him blankly for long past ten minutes. Then he just gave Justin a sweet kiss and walked away crying. Half way through is walk away he began to run. He jumped into his jeep and peeled away from that house. Justin had sat in the backyard for hours, crying. The next morning, he dropped a letter into Brian's mailbox and left for the airport.  
Justin got snapped out of his flashback when he saw a tear slide down Brian's cheek. Astonished, Justin walks over to Brian. He sits down next to Brian on the bench and they sit in silence. Justin continues to smoke his cigarette as Brian silently cries.  
After some time, Brian stops crying. Justin looks over and offers him a cigarette.  
"No thanks. I quit." Brian announces. Justin shrugs and lights up a new one and looks back over to Brian. Brian takes a double take and smiles at Justin.  
"When did you start smoking?" Brian asked semi-seriously, but stifles a laugh at the end of the sentence.  
"When did you stop?" Justin asks back. Without answering Brian's question. Brian looks over at Justin; his eyes hazel and glazed over.  
"Two years ago. I don't want some stupid disease to kill me." Brian said with a hint of poetic irony in his voice. He looked away, but decided to make small talk.  
"So...how is New York?" He asked with sadness. Justin only shrugged at first, but then decided to actually answer Brian's questions with words.  
"Could be better." Justin said, exhaling smoke from his mouth. "I mean...it's lonely is all..."  
"How so?" Brian asked with curiosity. Justin thought for some time. He loosened his black tie and breathed a deep sigh.  
"Its just...gah! It's...people there aren't like you guys. I don't know anyone as crazy as Emmett or as pushy as Deb. I...I don't know anyone like you..." Justin complained. He took one long puff of his cigarette and then tossed it into the bushes. Brian watched him for sometime, watching his face change from frustrated to sad.  
"I'm sorry, Sunshine." Brian said with kindness and affection in his voice. Justin looked over to Brian with a smile playing on his face.  
"It's been years since I've heard that..." He said with an adorable smile. Brian smiled as well.  
"It's been good to finally see you again, Brian." Justin said with sincerity. He meant it, and Brian could tell just by the tone in his voice.  
"It is nice. Too bad it's under these circumstances..." Justin's face fell. He suddenly remembered again about Ben's death.  
"Michael is taking it so hard." Justin stated simply. Not really addressing it to Brian, just saying it out of concern.  
"He could be taking it worse. He was waiting for this day, he knew it was going to come." Brian said sadly.  
"It's so horrible...dying with a disease like that. I couldn't even imagine..." Justin said, letting his words just fall from his mouth.  
"I could..." Brian said with depression in his voice. Justin was already looking at him with question when Brian lifted his eyes to meet Justin. Justin's blue eyes staring into Brian's hazel. Justin had a feeling inside of him that told him what Brian meant. Justin suddenly understood. He couldn't believe himself, he didn't want to believe. 


	3. Never Know Your Worth

When did it happen?" Justin feared to ask as tears began to fill his eyelids.  
"About a year ago...at first I didn't tell anyone. Not even Mikey. But, he started to notice more and more when I stopped going to Babylon with them. I looked sick all the time. I would go everywhere and feel exhausted, even if I had over slept. Finally, he confronted me and made me tell him..." Brian kept on trying to explain himself as tears start falling from his eyes.  
"I don't even know who it was who gave it to me. Some random trick, I guess. One week, I just went in for my monthly check up, you know. And...I came out positive. Scared the shit outta me..." That's all Brian could say. Tears started streaming from his eyes and Justin watched helplessly. He took Brian's hand and squeezed it for support. Brian just kept on crying, he couldn't stop himself.  
"I'm real sorry, Brian." Justin tried to continue but Brian stopped him. One, he didn't want to cry more and two; He didn't want sympathy from anyone else, especially Justin.  
"Look Justin, I don't want anymore sympathy. I've gotten so much over the last year, especially from Michael. I'm sick of it. It just makes me feel worse. It reminds me, ya know? I have been living my life just as normal; minus a few things...I just have this...thing inside my body. Just don't. I'm not dead yet." That last sentence hit a sore spot in Justin's heart. But, he only nodded. He understood what Brian wanted and he was going to listen to him. Justin reached into his coat and pulled out another cigarette. Flicked his lighter and puffed away. They sat in silence for some time. Nothing disturbed the scene, only the smoke moving in and out of Justin's mouth. Brian looked from the stars to his hands, as if he was wishing for something.  
"I'm just shaken up from Ben's death. He was perfectly fine and then...just knowing that I'm gonna go down that road too..." Brian said, staring at his hands. Not daring to look up and see what Justin was going to say. Justin exhaled smoke from his mouth and looked back over at Brian. Trying not to look sympathetic. The last thing Justin wanted was for Brian to die. Justin thought for some time and decided to try and steer the conversation away from HIV.  
"Ya know...after high school, after I moved to New York. I stopped getting into relationships. After the last kiss you gave me...that was my last kiss..." Justin confessed. Brian looked up and stared him in the eye. Surprised. He started to go into a fantasy. Looking into Justin's eyes like that was really a blast from the past for him. He got broken back into reality and looked back down at his hands.  
"Yeah...mine too..." Brian said in almost a whisper. Justin looked at him in shock.  
"Brian Kinney! That was five years ago...are you telling me that you haven't kissed anyone for five years?" Justin said with a sly smile playing on his lips.  
"Yes. You were my last kiss. I...wanted to keep it that way. I never kissed anyone else because I wanted you to be my last..." Brian said with a small smile on his face.  
"You still got that same old charm..." Justin laughed. Brian smiled awkwardly to Justin. Justin took a puff of his cigarette and looked back over to Brian.  
"You know...you had me at a surprise right then...I didn't know I meant that much to you..." Justin said as some of his golden locks fell over his eyes. His eyes sparkled with tears, yet a slight smile was on his mouth.  
"You have no...fucking...idea." Brian said. Justin smiled wider and Brian laughed a little.  
"After I got diagnosed, I never got into another relationship. I think because out of all my relationships, you were the one that I kept going back to...and that meant something to me...but-"Brian staled and felt hot tears leek from his eyes. He covered his eyes with his hands and turned away from Justin. Justin felt helpless just watching him cry.  
"A few years back..." Justin started, talking softly. Brian kept his hands over his eyes, but listened to what Justin was going to say.  
"I had this thought of leaving my New York life behind and moving back to Pittsburg..." Brian looked up. Tears stained his cheeks and his eyes were slightly red. He looked into Justin's eyes with a hopeful gleam in his glazed eyes.  
"I don't know why I started thinking about it...It's just...New York doesn't have Liberty Diner...or Woody's. Or Deb's house, ya know? I grew up here, my life started here...I didn't want to be away anymore..." Justin finished. Brian smiled to him.  
"You forgot Babylon." Brian said with a devilish smile. Justin laughed out loud; it made Brian happy to hear his smile again.  
"I'm too old for Babylon. Good memories but nothing more..." Justin said. Remembering some good times with the gang at Babylon.  
"I went to Babylon until I was thirty-three years old..." Brian said. Trying to make Justin feel somewhat guilty for saying he was too old to go at twenty-three.  
"You were an exception. I'm sure at thirty-three you probably still looked twenty-three." Justin exclaimed.  
"I'll give you that. But...age has started to catch up to me." Brian said as his smile faded.  
"Stay young forever...right?" Brian said sarcastically to Justin. Justin looks suddenly sad. Brian had always been happy with his aging process, now, it was bitter to have age catch up to him.  
"I think you still look as beautiful as ever..." Justin stated as he ran his free hand through Brian's brown hair.  
"Maybe even more so..." Justin said and it made Brian smile. He leaned into Justin's roaming hand as it traveled down to his cheek.  
"Those laugh lines...it showed that you learned to laugh more after I left..." Justin said as Brian giggled a little bit.  
"I had a lot of good times..." Brian said as he reminisced some in his head.  
"I learned to laugh a lot more, and to take a joke. I had some memorable times with Mikey and Emmett..." Brian smiled to himself. Justin was happy that he had a smile on his face, he didn't feel helpless. Brian stopped thinking of the past and looked back into Justin's eyes 


	4. Getting Back to the Past

"So, you don't go to Babylon anymore and you wanna move back to Pittsburg...what else?" Brian asked curiously. Smiling cutely at Justin. Justin looked at his smile and wanted to take him right there. He missed that smile for years. Having only pictures to look back on. He pined away for those lips and the voice that came with it.  
"You know what? Nothing else." Justin said as he leaned back on the bench. One hand on his cigarette, which had burned itself out, and the other clasped to Brian's hand.  
"Pittsburg is my mind set right now..." Justin stated taking a puff of his cigarette.  
"Really? That's new for you. Usually your mind is a mile a minute..." Brian said with a small laugh.  
  
Justin flicked away his cigarette into the bush and looked straight into Brian's eyes. Brain Kinney. Former sex god and druggie, now HIV carrier and businessman. Brian flashed him an awkward smile, which was saddening, as Brian used to be able to stare into Justin's eyes for hours at a time. Justin licked his lips and Brian commanded his hand to reach up a touch Justin's cheek. Brian flinched when his fingertips touched Justin's skin. The corners of Justin's lips turned up into a smile and he shut his eyes. Once the contact was initiated, Brian let out a sigh. It felt good to be able to have intimate contact with him again.  
Justin started to lean in and Brian knew what was happening. Brian licked his lips, in ready for what was to come. Justin's lips were inches away from Brian's...  
"Still don't believe in love?" Justin whispered before Brian's lips grazed against his. A soft kiss that meant the world to both men. They kissed for sometime. The kiss not getting too intense, but it was just as passionate. After some few minutes, Emmett interrupted them  
"Dinner's ready boys!" Emmett hollered at them. Emmett waltzed back into the house, facing Ted.  
"I told you they still loved each other..." Emmett said happily, walking back into the living to help Deb with the food.  
  
A/N : Sorry chapter was so short. I'm hella lazy! 


	5. I am Scared and I am Alone

Justin and Brian joined the rest of the guests inside the house. They realize they had been missed from the wake for forty-five minutes. They walked into the kitchen and grabbed some appetizers and then walked back into the living room. They sat next to each other on the couch. They talked to some of the folks around the room. A lot of them were Ben's family. Michael was in the kitchen talking to Melanie. They were talking about good times with Ben. A lot of them were about Hunter. Who in fact, was at the Novotny home earlier. Brian smiled to himself before sticking a crab cake in his mouth. Justin had his back turned to Brian, talking to Debbie. Telling her about his life over the past few years. Brian listened to some of the details he was telling Deb. After sometime, Brian began to hear Deb talking to him.  
"What Deb?" Brain asked. He had been so into thinking about Justin that he didn't hear Debbie talking to him.  
"I asked why you look so damn happy?" Deb asked. Brian smiled to himself. Justin was also waiting for him to answer.  
"I have my reasons." Brian said with a cocky smile. He looked at his watch and saw that it was almost nine o'clock.  
"Shit...I gotta go. I'll see you guys later." Brain smiled at Justin and Deb. He got up and kissed them both on the cheek. He stepped into the kitchen and gave Michael a good-bye hug and a kiss on the cheek. He grabbed his jacket and left the Novotny home.  
  
"Where is he off to?" Justin asked, taking a sip of wine, which Deb brought to him. She looked back at the door and then back to Justin.  
"Ever since he was..." Deb started but stopped herself. She didn't know if Brian had told Justin of his condition.  
"I know, Deb..." Justin stated simply. He took a sip of his wine and waited for Debbie to continue what she was going to say.  
"Ever since he was diagnosed, he has been a health nut! He goes home at nine every night, drinks a health shake and exercises for an hour. Takes a shower and goes to bed. He's always in bed by eleven now..." Debbie finished.  
"Wow..." Justin said, realizing how much Brian had changed since he had left.  
"Yeah...he doesn't ever step foot in Babylon. Doesn't do drugs anymore. Doesn't drink hardly ever and if he does it's just a simple glass of wine..." She motions to Justin's glass of wine to emphasize her point.  
"It changed his life...he's a very different Brian. Even if he says he's still the same...he isn't." Deb finished.  
"I can't blame him. I would change my lifestyle too if I was diagnosed with HIV." Justin said, before taking another sip of wine.  
"I wish we knew who it was who gave it to him. I would personally strangle that man if I knew his name. Just knowing that someone in this city...walks the man who infected my Brian..." Deb's eyes began to tear up.  
"...It's just too much..." Justin set down his wine glass and gave Deb a large hug before she completely broke down into tears.  
"Come on now, you've had too many tears today. Don't cry. Brian is fine...all right?" Justin said, trying his best to reassure her.  
"Yeah, your right Justin. You're such a sweet boy." She said, smiling sweetly at him while she brushed her fingers through his hair, once.  
"You gotta remember, I'm not a boy anymore." Justin said with a sweet, sly smile.  
"Right. Man. Sorry." Deb smiled widely, pinching Justin's cheek. Justin laughs and glances at the clock on the wall and sighs.  
"I better get going. I'm meeting my mom for breakfast tomorrow." Justin said to Debbie. They both stood up and Justin gives Debbie a big hug.  
"It was good to see you Justin. Tell your mother I say 'hi'" Debbie said.  
"I will" Justin gave her a kiss on the cheek and left to say good-bye to Michael and Emmett. 


	6. Dont Leave Again

"Emmett...I'm taking off." Justin said to his effeminate friend. Emmett frowned but it turned into a huge smile. He flung his arms out and gave Justin a big hug.  
"It was so great to see you Jus. Call me soon and we'll do lunch, k?" Emmett said happily.  
"That would be great." Justin said as he moved over to Michael and gave him a great big hug.  
"I'm sorry, Michael." Justin said, trying comfort his friend. Michael gave him a small smile.  
"Thanks Justin." Michael said, sadly. Justin smiled and gave him a pat on the shoulder and began to walk away. Michael grabbed his arm and stopped him. Justin turned to look at Michael. Who seemed surprised by his own actions.  
"Look...just...don't leave his life again...okay?" Michael asked with sure- shot concern in his voice. He had always wanted the best for Brian. Most of all now that he had a death clock ticking by his bedpost.  
Justin could only nod and Michael let go of his arm and gave him a weak smirk. Justin walked out of the kitchen and out of the house.  
  
As Justin was about to get into the seat of his car, he got the sensation to go to Brian's loft. He started the car and drove from Debbie Novotny's house to Brian's loft. Away from the direction of the hotel. Soon, he was parked in front of Brian's complex.  
He walked up the stairs and through the halls until he came to Brian's metal, sliding door. He knocked three time and a few seconds later, Brian opens the door. He was clad in sweat pants. His face and chest were sweaty and his hair was sticking to his face.  
  
A/N: Super Short! Sorry. Thanks to BuffyANGELforeva for the review. Glad you're liking it. 342 


	7. You're Always With Me

"Hey!" Brian said with a smile. This was a new side to Brian that Justin had never witnessed. He was used to snide remarks or something sarcastic when Justin would show up at Brian's loft. But, in this situation, he was greeted with happiness.  
Brian walked back into the loft as Justin stepped inside. Justin slid the door shut and walked into the living room. He sat down on the couch while Brian continued his work out. Lifting weights in the corner of the room. Justin watched his former lover for about half an hour. He glanced at the electronic clock on the side table. Ten o'clock. Just at that moment, Brian stopped working out. He lay on the workout bench with his hands on his chest. Taking a breather. He was red in the face, panting and sweaty. After a minute of resting, Brian stood up and started walking over to the kitchen. He looked over at Justin and smiled. Justin smiled back. He didn't know what else to do.  
"Do you want a shake?" Brain asked Justin. He waited for an answer.  
"Sure." Justin said simply. Brian smiled and started pulling things out of the refrigerator. Justin got up off the couch and took a seat at a stool at the kitchen's island.  
"So...what are you doing here?" There's the Brian that Justin remember.  
"Do I really need a reason?" So, Brian and Justin were back to their little charades. Both of them were incredibly sarcastic, their little banters were a way to release tension between them.  
"Well, I just wanted to know. Are we back to this game already?" Brian said.  
"I just felt like seeing you." Justin said after staying silent for some time. Brian looked up from peeling a banana to smile at Justin.  
"Well...I'm glad you came by. I wanted to spend more time with you." Brian stated truthfully. Justin felt good inside. He had steered away from affection for so long he almost forgot what it was like. He could finally open himself up to affection again, but only because it was coming from Brian Kinney.  
Justin heard the blender go on and he saw Brian monitoring it. Soon, a shake was in front of him. He flashed a small smile and a 'thank you' before taking a sip.  
"It's good." Justin said. Brian just nodded. He looked up at Justin, who had some shake on his chin. He leaned over the counter and kissed it off of him. Justin just indulged himself in the feeling. He flashes back to times with Brian in the past. When it was illegal to be intimate, but that didn't stop them. But, those times were gone, and with that thought Justin came back to reality. Brian was looking at him and smiling. Justin automatically smiled back.  
"What" Justin asked. Interested in what was amusing Brian so much. Brian just giggled.  
"Nothing. You taste good...that's all." Brian said, almost shyly.  
"So, where are you staying?" Brian asked, interested. There was something on Brian's mind; he was going to get to it the hard way.  
"The Liberty Inn. Across from the diner." Justin replied. Brian looked disgusted.  
"You're staying at that horrible place?" Brian asked, shocked that Justin would ever step foot in that place.  
"Unfortunately. It was the only place with a vacant room." Justin explained. Brian looked disgusted again.  
"No...you're not staying there. That's just...wrong. You're staying with me." Brian demanded more than suggested.  
"What?" Justin asked, shocked that Brian would even think of suggesting something like that to him.  
"How long are you staying?" Brian looked at Justin, waiting for him to answer his question. He stood there in his sweat pants, his toned chest shimmering in the kitchen lights. Health shake in hand.  
"Two weeks." Justin answered. Brian took a sip of his shake and nodded.  
"All right. Let's go get your stuff. Don't argue." Brian said as he walked away into his room. He grabbed a t-shirt and his keys from his bedside table and the two men walked out the door. 


	8. I Swear I'd Give the Whole Thing Up

When they arrived back at the loft, they swing open the door in fits of laughter. Carrying two bags full of Justin's belongings. They walked into Brian's bedroom and set the stuff down on the bed. They stepped out of the room and into the kitchen. Brian poured two glasses of wine. They sat, comfortably in the living room couch. Brian glanced at the clock, it was 11:43. Almost forty-five minutes past his normal sleeping schedule. He just shrugged it off and turned his attention back over to Justin. The blonde was talking about some of the galleries his art had been featured in. Brian was actually intrigued by what Justin had to say. Justin had grown up a lot since he had been here last. Brian understood Justin a lot more, now that he had matured a lot more. Had more experiences. Brian just let Justin talk. Let himself get lost in his words. Brian found himself staring lovingly at Justin. Looking at his blonde hair, his fair skin, and his pink lips. Justin look notice of Brian and stopped talking. He looked back at Brian. Wondering what Brian was thinking. Brian smiled, but only barely.  
"Let's go to bed..." Brian said with a smile. Brian said sweetly and low, Justin looked a little shocked. Justin's smile started to fade slowly and he set his wine glass on the living room table. He stood up and walked toward the center of the room, closer to the bedroom. He began to run his hands through his hair and nervously rub his hands on his jeans. Brian looked concerned, watching Justin shift around. Not making eye contact with him.  
"I don't know Brian...don't you think it's a little much?" Justin had concern in his voice. Brian's eyebrows furrowed and his mouth fell open. Justin swallowed hard as his eyes shifted to and fro, but never into Brian's eyes.  
"What are you talking about?" Brian asked, he truly didn't understand Justin's sudden worry. Brian set down his glass and stood up. He walked silently over to where Justin was standing. Justin looked up at Brian with weary eyes.  
"I...I don't want to have sex with you..." Justin said quietly, rubbing his arm in nervousness. Brian stood just in front of Justin. Justin was looking at him now, waiting for how he would react.  
"You think I would do that?" Brian whispered as he pushed a strand of hair out of Justin's eyes. Justin looked straight into his eyes and Brian saw that there was a hint of fear in them. Justin had always had a fear of what Brian could do to him. Mostly because of the age difference. Brian began to tear up at the thought of Justin being afraid of him and he fell into Justin. Giving him a huge hug. Justin squeezed him tight, feeling comfort in his old lover's arms. Justin also started to cry, feeling his shield fall and break to pieces the second he fell into Brian's arms.  
"I'm so sorry, Justin..." Brian sobbed into Justin's shoulder. Brian felt like he let Justin down by having a disease that he couldn't get rid of.  
"I'd do anything to be with you again..." Brian cried out. Justin just held him as they both cried together, in the middle of Brian's living room. Justin shut his eyes hard and tears fell from them. Hot tears burned his cheeks.  
"You are with me..." Justin said as he looked into Brian's hazel eyes. Brian's face was stained with tears and his nose was running. He sniffled once, loudly. Justin gave him a smile to try and cheer him up. Justin looked at Brian with a fiery intensity. He leaned in and gave Brian a small kiss on his lips. Brian suddenly remembered what it was like to kiss Justin. He tried to savor it.  
"Come on, you need some sleep..." Justin said. Himself and Brian walked into Brian's bedroom. Brian took off his pants and shirt. He climbed into bed and pulled the covers over him. Only clad in his thin cotton boxers. Justin only took off his nice trousers and dress shirt, so he slept in his white undershirt and boxers. He climbed into bed and pulled the comforter over him.  
Minutes later, Brian turned on his side and threw his hands over Justin's waist and fell into a comfortable position. One he remembered all too well. Justin began to fell safe again, being in Brian's arms. Justin turned on his other side, so they were lying face to face with each other. Justin looked at Brian, who had his eyes closed and was looking content and happy. Justin smiled to himself. Justin sat for some time, watching Brian sleep.  
"Brian?" Justin asked quietly, when Brian made no movement, Justin said it again.  
"What?" Brian asked, his voice muffled from tiredness. But he answered nonetheless.  
"Are you asleep?" Justin asked in a tone barely above a whisper. Brian shifted a little in his position.  
"Not yet..." Justin smiled as he snuggled into Brian's neck. Brian fell asleep first Justin just lay in Brian's arms, staring up at the wall. His mind started to wander. He thought of his relationship with Brian when they were both younger. Justin knew nothing; he was so young and naive. With the way Brian was, in his late twenties, the drugs, the clubbing, taking a different person every night. He remembered how somehow, Justin always used to end up at Brian's loft in the middle of the night, back in Brian's bed. He remembered how much Brian had cried the night Justin got bashed. Brian was there every night in the hospital. Justin remembered how much time they used to spend together. Justin almost started to cry, but he was too exhausted to waist any more energy on tears. He closed his eyes and fell asleep with his arms around Brian's waist. 


	9. I May Love You though never show it

Justin opened his eyes as the sun was beginning to come up through the large windows in Brian's loft. Justin looked over and found Brian, still asleep next to him. His chest rising up and down as he took in deep breathes. Justin smiled widely; he had forgotten how much he loved waking up next to Brian.  
"Brian..." Justin whispered into his ear. Brian stirred and opened his eyes, slowly. A smile came across his face. He tightened his grip around Justin.  
"Hi..." Brian said quietly, smiling wide. Justin returned the smile.  
"What time is it?" Brian asked in a groggy voice. He looked at Justin. Justin glances at Brian's clock on his wall.  
"6:15" Justin responded. Brian groaned and started to get up out of bed. He sat on the side of the bed. Justin perched himself up on one of his elbows, watching Brian.  
"I gotta take a shower and get ready for work, all right?" Brian said to Justin. Justin just nodded as Brian bent in to give a kiss. They kissed a lovely kiss.  
"Mmm...morning breathe..." Justin muttered against Brian's lips. They both laughed.  
"Asshole..." Brian said, but really not meaning it. Justin was never an asshole, no matter how much he tried to be.  
"I'll be right back..." Brian said with a big smile. Justin grabbed his ass as he walked away. Justin grabbed his ass as he bent over to pick up his clothes he dropped on the floor. Brian stifled a laugh and walked into the bathroom. Justin laughed and then lay back down on the bed. The pillow softly forming to his head. He heard the shower turn on and Brian get in.  
Justin sat there for some time until his cell began to ring. He leaned over the bed and searched his pant pockets until he found them. He finally found it and answered it.  
"Hello? Good morning Kristen, yes, I am in Pittsburg...No...it's none of your business, okay? Why? What the hell are you talking about? Please? I can't leave...I just got here yesterday...in an hour? Why would you do that? I can't even say good-bye to anyone...I'm not arguing...no...I understand...I'll be there tonight then...bye..." Justin hung up his phone. He felt a horrible pain in the pit of his stomach. Brian didn't know what had just happened...he was left unaware.  
Justin looked for a pen and paper and wrote Brian a note. Trying to explain what happened. He got up, got dressed, picked up his stuff and walked out of the loft, slightly crying. He got into his car and drove away, toward the airport. 


	10. Do What You Have to Do

Minutes later, Brian walked out of his bathroom with a towel around his waist. He walked into the bedroom and noticed Justin not there.  
"Justin?" Brian asked loudly. He listened for the sound of Justin around the loft. All Brian heard was silence. Brian suddenly felt smoldering hot tears hit his cold skin. Justin had left. Brian laid down on his bed and thought about everything. When he spotted the note in the middle of the bed. He picked it up and hesitantly, began to read.  
  
Brian, I got a call from the gallery and they told me they really needed me back up there. I'm sorry I left, but it was an emergency. You have to understand that I have to be there. They already got me a plane and everything. This is sorta like déjà vu, writing you a good-bye note, trying to explain myself. Don't think that I didn't want this... Last night was great. Being with you after all this time made me so happy. I am just glad I got to spend at least one amazing night with you. I'll come back as soon as I can. I'm sorry for leaving you, again. That's twice now. I know how it feels to be alone and not believe anything someone else says to you. Just, try to believe me. I miss you already, and you're only in the shower. I miss your smile, your eyes and your voice. I'll call you when I get back, you'll most likely be at work, and so I'll try there. I love you, Brian. I always have and I always will. Believe that. Forever, Sunshine  
  
Brian really started to cry after he read the note. It was slightly understandable, but it hurt. It hurt a lot. Brian started to cry mostly out of pure shock and disappointment. Brian was always the one to leave behind his lover. Leave it be some random trick or Justin. But in the past two encounters, Justin had been the one to give up. Brian grabbed his phone and called his office.  
"Hello Cynthia...no, I'm fine...I'm not coming to work today so cancel all my appointments. Thanks." Brian hung up the phone and lay back down on the bed. He cried for a little while, silently sobbing to himself. Until he decided to sleep. He moved over to Justin's side of the bed. He had slept on Justin's side to try his best to keep the essence of Justin's alive in his room. Last night was the first time in five years Brian had slept on his side of the bed. 


	11. Poetic Tragedy

Seven months later, Justin is walking into his office in New York City. Setting down his briefcase next to his desk. He had just recently become the owner of the gallery and he was prouder than ever about his personal art. He had been so busy being the owner in the past months that he hadn't gotten the chance to go back to Pittsburg. He hadn't heard anything from Brian, or Deb of Emmett. Which was unusual. He settled into his chair and turned on his computer when his secretary, Kristen, walked into his office.  
"Coffee for you, Mr. Taylor." She said politely as she set down a mug of coffee in front of Justin.  
"Thank you, Kristen." Justin said with a smile. He picked up the mug and blew at the liquid inside, then took a delicate sip.  
"...And your mail, sir." She stated. Plopping about four envelops on his desk. He smiled again and she exited the office.  
Justin began to go through the envelopes, looking for something other than bills. He fell upon a small white envelop with his name and address scribbled on it. It looked vaguely familiar. He checked the return address. It was from Michael and Deb. He smiled widely and tore open the envelope. All that was inside was a small newspaper clipping. He unfolded it and saw a picture of Brian. When he was about 28 years old. He was smiling wide, most likely laughing at the time of the picture taking. Justin started to read the article, but the heading was like a bullet through the heart.  
  
Brian Kinney  
1967-2003  
  
Justin automatically started to cry and wanted to throw up. He didn't want to believe it; he thought maybe it was a prank for Deb to get her point across that he should move back to Pittsburg. Brian was dead. He read through the article, trying not to cry. It told about his education, his business and it went into detail about his death. Justin really felt like he was going to throw up; or pass out. Justin couldn't hold it in any longer, he started bawling right there on his office desk. His Brian was dead. He knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but he didn't expect it to be so soon. It happened so quickly. He only had it for almost two years.  
Sitting there, bawling his eyes out for the only love he ever had in his life, Justin truly knew what it was like to be alone.  
  
The End 


End file.
